The List Blog

A couple of months ago I wrote a list called The 8 Most Badass Pokemon Ever Imagined. This post has generated so much feedback and suggestion from you guys that I got to thinking that I should do a second installment. Turns out there are way more badass pokemon than I originally thought there were.

Note: Still first 150 only, I kick it old school. Still no Charizard, hate in the comments.

1. Aerodactyl

Any kid who grew up around the time Jurassic Park came out will be able to tell you that the three most badass dinosaurs (in order) are: velociraptors, t-rexs, and pterodactyls. Although they may not be able to talk to each other, open doors, or eat an entire Jeep in one bite, pterodactyls are still notable for being the most deadly winged creatures to ever fly the Earth. Seagulls come down and steal a couple of your french fries — pterodactyls swoop down from the heavens and before you know it your newborn infant is the feral child of an aerodynamic killing machine. I got a lot of flak for not including any of the legendary birds (Articuno, Zapdos, and Moltres) on the last list, but if Pokemon existed in real life you can rest assured that Aerodactyl would run the train on all three of them.

2. Kabutops

Kabutops has always played second fiddle to Scyther in the Pokemon-with-farm-tools-for-hands category, but this terrifying creature has recently resurfaced in my nightmares since Cloverfield came out. Is it just me or does Kabutops look frighteningly like the Cloverfield parasites? To make things a little more horrifying, here’s an excerpt from it’s Pokedex entry:

Kabutops is a predator, but its nature of feeding is vampiric; instead of killing its prey, it uses its razor sharp claws to open wounds in its prey, and then drink its blood. It attempts to avoid killing prey, so it may feed at a later date.

Good luck killing this shit with your Squirtle, Ash. If you wanna take down this mamma-jamma you better get Blade on the phone.

3. Alakazam

Almost all of the psychic and ghost type Pokemon are big wussies. Does anyone remember that episode of the TV show where Ghastly, Haunter, and Gengar turned Ash and Pikachu into ghosts just because they were lonely and wanted someone to play tiddlywinks with? I rest my case. Alakazam is the exception to the rule. First off, as far as I know he’s the only Pokemon with a mustache so that already makes him pretty manly. On top of that, according to the Wikipedia article, Alakazam have IQs over 5000 and can mentally outperform even the most powerful supercomputers. From that we can deduce that the only reason they haven’t enslaved the entire human race is because they actually like being our slaves and kicking the shit out of other Pokemon. The other species of Pokemon have all been cruelly beaten, taken from the wild, and forced to fight against their will - Alakazam volunteer.

4. Arcanine

Remember when you were a kid and the question that defined your character most was “Do you like dogs or cats?”. Yeah, people don’t ask that any more, and Arcanine is the reason why. Let’s see, on the one hand you’ve got Meowth who would sell his owner out for a Sacagawea dollar and, to make matters worse, talks like a 1930s mob henchman. On the other hand, you have Arcanine, a loyal and noble animal that can turn your enemies into smoldering piles of ash and soiled linens. Game, set, and match.

5. Tauros

Tauros is one of those Pokemon I definitely should have included in my first list. It’s so badass that it actually self-flagellates in order to work itself into a frenzy for battle. Plus, its wiki article contains possibly the hardest description I’ve ever read in my life:

Any given Tauros finds it impossible to keep up its spirits in life without near-constant rampaging. It always tries to find opponent Pokémon to battle outright to serve this purpose, but if it is alone, it will instead concentrate on charging at and knocking down thick trees to calm itself. By locking horns with other Tauros, it fights to assert dominance in a herd.

So basically it’s just a constantly rampaging bull that does part-time deforestation when there’s no other Pokemon around to get their shit ruined. Bonafide man right there.

6. Rhydon

Rhydon gets his badassness from two major areas. First, he’s based on the rhino which is one of the most manly creatures in the wild (see: Rhinox from Beast Wars). Secondly, he has a drill on his head which means when he’s done breaking fools he’s a great bet to come over and help you install those new shelves you bought for your kitchen.

7. Diglett

You could be forgiven for thinking Diglett is a mistaken inclusion on this list. At first glance he appears to be just a stupid gopher that will ruin your garden like in Caddyshack. Diglett’s strength, however, is hidden in the Pokedex, which states that it’s capable of digging through solid earth at supersonic speeds. You ever wonder how that stupid whack-a-mole head poking out of the ground could use claw swipe? Yeah, it travels so fast that it hits you and returns to the loam before you even know what happens. If these things were real there’s no doubt we would use them to build sweet underground tunnels for us and plant nukes in the center of the Earth to restart its static core.

8. Ninetales

Ninetales may not be a Pokemon that can shoot hyper beams, drop meteor showers, or eat its opponent’s dreams, but it controls one niche integral to the badass credo: revenge. Legend has it that anyone unfortunate enough to touch one of its tails is cursed by the beast for a thousand years. To put it in other terms, that’s about the bad luck equivalent of dropping napalm on a mirror factory. Ninetales is so badass that his revenge isn’t even practical. He curses you so hard that even your corpse can’t catch a break.